Battle of the Heart
by Athena465
Summary: Set in Kensi's college days before NCIS. Jack is home and he has PTSD. While he was away, maybe even before then, she fell for her best friend Marty Deeks. What will she do when her head tells her to stay but her heart is telling her to run to another man? Originally going to be apart of Music of the Heart one-shots so there is a song in there.


**Originally I only intended for this to be a part of my Music one-shots Music of the Heart, but I got to long and well I wanted it to be posted as a stand along because I love it so much.**

 **Song/Artist: Last song I'm wasting on you by Evanescence**

 **Summary: Jack has been back from the war for three months, while he was away Kensi's best friend from college helps her get through, one Marty Deeks.**

 **Hope you guys like it**

 **Battle of the Heart**

 **Kensi's P.O.V**

I am a strong woman, of that there is no doubt, it was a fact I ingrained it into my head. But there is only so much that I could take, and no matter how strong I am I can't help a man who doesn't want to be helped. I can take his verbal bashings, chump them up to his PTSD. But the act Jack had just committed against me, in the throes of a flashback or not, isn't something I won't stand for.

It seemed everything was normal, Jack was laughing at the TV while I was studying for a test in my chemistry class, and let me tell you there is a huge difference between high school chemistry and college chemistry. I was absorbed in the words swimming amongst the pages it took me a while to register that the apartment was silent, no laughing and no TV. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end but I pushed the feeling away.

I stood up and walking into the living room from the kitchen, but the chiming of my phone made me walk back and read the alert. It was from my best friend, Marty Deeks, Law student;

 _Hey Fern, just checking in on how your studying is going. Mine is kicking my ass, literally, have you ever dropped a law text book on your foot, not fun. Anyway I am hitting the sack just wanted to say good night._

Smiling I think back on how close me a Deeks had gotten while Jack was away at war…some would say to close…

 _Into month six of Jack's deployment with no end in sight I once again found myself at Deeks' apartment studying. Finals were coming up and I needed some help and he did to._

 _"Okay," Deeks said placing an open beer before me. "What prison in modern day is the most secure?"_

 _Without a second thought I give an answer. "ADDMAX, home to pit bosses, mob leaders and bombers." He laughs shaking his head. "What?!"_

 _"Nothing, it's just after three years of knowing you, you still are a know it all." I swing my fist out but he catches my wrist. "Now, now Kens, what have I told you about resorting to violence when I piss you off." At the look in his eyes I can't stop the smile spreading on my face._

 _Being with Deeks while Jack was away was screwing with my head. Watching as he lets my wrist go and goes back to his book I can't help but look down at my ring and think that is really doesn't belong there, its weight felt foreign and unwelcome. It was just so much easier to be…well be me with Deeks'. It was like he knew me without having to try, he knew my favorite snack, color, sport, TV show and movie (he would still criticize but would always end up watching it with me). But Jack…sometimes I catch myself thinking that this engagement, this relationship with the Marine was wrong. Ad here in Marty's space I feel that feeling even more, and I know that it is a warning, a signal._

 _"Kensi?" Deeks' is shaking my shoulder and looking at me worriedly. "Are you okay, you were staring rather intently at the stain on my wall?" he tries for a joke but when I turn to look at him his brow furrows and he knows that to some capacity I am thinking about Jack. "You know that he is okay Kensi, Jack loves you and will come home to you." and in a day of revelations I see the pain in his eyes when he says that, or maybe he is letting me._

 _I grab his hand tightly and sigh. "I know he does but…" I pause debating on what I should say how much I should say. "Sometimes I question the relationship I have with him," he goes to speak but I raise a hand stalling him. "And I'm not just thinking like this because he is gone, I had these thoughts while he was still here."_

 _I look down at my ring and once again think that it shouldn't be there…or that it should have come from somebody else. Damn it my head was filled with so many conflicting thoughts of Jack and Deeks that I didn't know what I was feeling._

 _"Kensi, no engaged woman should have these thoughts, they mean that you aren't a hundred percent sure about marrying him. Do love him?" he asks gently trying to understand what was going on in my head._

 _"Of course I do but…but I don't see a future with him, at least I don't anymore. What I envision the future being now is starkly different to what it used to be."_

 _"What do you see differently?" his voice is small and timid almost as if he is scared of the answer._

 _Well for one I don't see myself being a stay at home wife used only for arm candy as a marine's wife…"_

 _"Yea I can't picture that either," he whispers his eyes intense. I swallow thickly before going on._

 _"I have been…toying with idea of signing up for NCIS being a Federal Agent after college," I say softly rubbing his knuckles with my thumb. "But when I close my eyes I see a different man at my side, a different ring…a different life…a better life, happier. And I don't know how to, how to deal with these thoughts." I whisper. "I feel like I am betraying Jack, by falling for someone else…" I stare into his eyes, begging him to understand that the man I see in my future now, is him, Deeks._

 _His phone ringing ends the intense staring match and the emotions swirling in his eyes. Listening to him talk I come to a decision…that upon the return of Jack I would give back his ring, I couldn't lie to him, it wasn't right….but that didn't mean that I wasn't terrified._

That night five months ago was before I knew about Jack's PTSD, I couldn't just leave him to be swallowed by his flashbacks. So I stayed, much to the anger of Deeks not at me staying with Jack but because I was wilting away from who I used to be, he knew that I was thinking about dropping out of college, he knew about the verbal abuse I endured every day.

 _Goodnight Deeks._ I sent back before placing my phone back on the table before I continued my search of Jack.

In hindsight I should have listened to Deeks, listened to what my heart was telling me all those months ago, because if I did I wouldn't find myself creeping through my house like a scared Deer afraid to set off another Flashback.

And when it happened it was fast and out of the blue. I walked into the bedroom and softly calling his name when I felt hands roughly grab my arm and fling me hard against the door jam. Looking up I see the deranged eyes of Jack. I go to talk but he hits me before I feel his hands wrap around my neck and start to squeeze. I claw at his arms and feel tears well up in my eyes has I start to see black spots.

He is speaking but it is either gibberish or I have lost too much oxygen to understand but I do hear him growl "I want you to die!" and I do know that I whisper a name "Marty…" I croak out and instantly I feel the pressure on my neck disappear and Jack is looking at me with fear…

"Kensi…I-I'm sorry sweat heart." I kneels down to where I fell gasping for breath and feel his hands gently touch my back…hands that just moments ago were aiming to choke the life out of me.

"No!" I yell out hoarsely. Standing up and fighting the dizziness I push him away from me. "I can't keep doing this Jack, I try to help you but…but it's like you don't want help, you don't want to get better. And…" I fall silent and walk to the closet, and pull out a pre-packed back I started preparing for when his flashbacks got bad and lengthy.

"And what Kensi?" he asks fearfully.

"And I'm not going to let you drag me down with you." I slide my engagement ring off placing it on his nightstand and start towards the kitchen to grab my school books.

"Please don't do this baby, I swear I want to get better." He pleads

"You keep saying that Jack," I bite back slinging my backpack on my shoulders and grabbing my phone. And motion to the pills he hasn't taken today and the number of a psychologist to talk to that still remains untouched. "But I don't believe you anymore." I walk to the door and pause at the sound of his voice.

"Who's Marty?" his voice is small and not angry just…resigned.

"He's a friend, a good friend. He was there for me while you were gone." I see him shake his head and run a hand down his face as he sighs.

"Is he a good man?" his question surprises me.

"One of the best, I…" I stop debating whether or not I should tell him…

"You have feelings for him." He says completing my thoughts. And I can only nod.

"I do love you Jack I do… but not like I used to, and I can't live like this, always on guard, listening as you yell at me and now this…"I shrug not looking at him. "I'm sorry. I hope you get better one day." With that I leave and get in my car and start driving. I pull up to the beach and just cry. I cry and cry until I can't anymore and that is when the sky opens up and rain starts pelting my car.

I sit there for an hour watching in fascination at the water bouncing of the hood or sliding down the window, and the constant sounds pulls me into a trance. A trance where I feel the relief at being free from the tense home, the guilt for leaving a sick man all because I couldn't deal with it. The guilt gets worse when I think of Deeks and the feelings for him that, if I were honest, started long before Jack was deployed, that developed the moment I met Deeks and his scruffy face.

Putting the car in drive I begin my journey to Deeks' apartment, the rain coming down in sheets now forcing me to drive slow or risk not arriving there at all. my phone never rings, never goes off, and I take that as Jack's silent understanding, understanding that I couldn't keep living in constant fear for my life, couldn't keep living with the verbal abuse thrown at me every day. And in some sick way I am thankful he doesn't call and start begging me to come back because I don't know if I would be strong enough to tell him no and hold my ground.

When I get to my destination I quickly run to his door but not quick enough, I am soaked to the bone and cold…holy shit that is some cold ass rain. I raise my hand to knock but pull back before I can.

"What am I doing?" I ask myself, my voice getting lost in the downpour. Turning around I slide down the door jam and hit my head on the wall behind me. "God I am such an idiot." Why would he want me…?

There is nothing about me that Marty Deeks would find desirable. I am a broken mess…

 _So is he._ A voice in the back of my head whispers.

The rain gives up, until it is a gentle rainfall. I hear the cacophony of sound as rain bounces off the vehicles in the parking lot, as it bounces off the pavement, the gentle roll of the thunder and the sound of cars driving slowly through the unseen puddles along the road….looking back on that moment I would say that I could hear the murmur of Deeks' TV, but at the time the emotions in my heart were drown everything else out but mother nature's tune…

Listening to these sounds produced my mother nature I find a tune, a soft, gentle tune and a song that I haven't heard in years invades my mind, and without a thought to the sleeping man behind the door I open my mouth and start to sing…

 _Sparkling gray, through my own veins_

 _Any more than a whisper, any sudden movement of my heart_

 _And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away_

 _Just get through this day_

In the beginning I thought that I could power my way through the bad days, but very quickly I found that every day was a bad day and I just didn't have the strength to keep fighting Jack to take his medicine, fighting my feelings for Deeks…

 _Give up your way, you could be anything_

 _Give up my way and lose myself, not today_

 _That's too much guilt to pay_

On several occasions Deeks begged me to sign the application to join NCIS, telling me that I could be anything other than a Marine's wife, because we both knew that I wouldn't be happy staying at home, being arm candy. And Deeks was only ever angry with me once, when I told him that I was thinking about dropping out and getting a part time jobs so that I could devote more time to Jack and helping him recover.

Deeks had been furious, stating that I couldn't give up everything I was working so hard for to help a man who didn't want to be helped. I stayed in school but the guilt that I was bettering myself while Jack got worse still ate away at me, but Deeks was right.

 _Sickened in the sun you dare tell me you love me_

 _But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die_

 _Honey, you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way_

 _You're just so pretty in your pain_

In the months since Jack had been home the declarations of love were few and far between, and whenever Jack spoke it felt forced but I could still see the love, however sometimes it was buried under the flashbacks.

Then tonight, just hours ago Jack had tried to squeeze the life out of me, he screamed that he wanted me to die, I was used to the verbal abuse but that was the first time he ever said… that to me and it hurt but the pain in my neck hurt worse. I already no doubt had some nasty bruises and would be missing a few classes in the upcoming days.

 _Give up my way and I could be anything_

 _I'll make my own way_

 _Without your senseless hate, hate, hate, hate_

I was going to do this myself, well hopefully with Deeks by my side, if he wanted to be there, I am choosing to be happy, and he makes me happy.

 _So run, run, run_

 _And hate me, if it feels good_

 _I can't hear your screams anymore_

I didn't know if Jack would hate me, but if it made it better for him to accept then so be it, I was moving on.

 _You lied to me but I'm older now_

 _And I'm not buying baby_

 _Demanding my response_

 _Don't bother breaking the door down I found my way out_

 _And you'll never hurt me again_

As my voice drifted off I heard the door open beside my spot on the wet pavement. I don't look up I just feel him lift me up and gently pull me inside. I know the moment I look up he will see the hand shaped bruises. He sits me on his lumpy couch and walks into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and sits it before me.

Finally he sits down next to me, but my face in pointing towards the ground and my wet hair and dark room block him from really seeing what a mess I am right now. But it's his voice, his soothing voice that makes me look up. "Kens, what happened?"

I look up and see his eyes immediately go to the bruises on my neck and the cut and bruise under my eye. I see his jaw tense but he doesn't demand to see Jack and beat him to a pulp he doesn't ask if I am okay, no he just cups my bruised cheek gently, running his thumb gently under the cut. His gentleness cracks me as tears once again start to fall. "It was really bad," I whisper brokenly.

"Hey come here," he pulls me to him and cradles my head against his chest. "You're okay, your home Kensi."

A few minutes later he falls backwards and lays out on the couch with me on top of him and when his hands travel to my back to hold me closer I wince causing him to pull back instantly. "Sorry," he whispers into my hair. "What happened Fern," I burrow my face into the crook of his neck.

"Don't call me that," I bit back weakly but it earns a chuckle from the tense man under me. "He had another flashback. I went to check on him after I sent you the text message, and he just…came out of nowhere and threw me against the wall and started choking me," I can't stop the sob that forces it way out. "He screamed that he wanted me to die Deeks, when he let go I told him that I couldn't live like that. And I left."

He plays with my bare ring finger. "You broke it off?" he tries to keep the hope from his tone but I can hear it, so many nights while Jack was gone spent on this very couch with Deeks taught me a lot about him, and about myself as well.

"Yea, apparently while he was choking me I said your name, and while I was leaving he asked me about you…and I told him the truth."

I hear him inhale slowly and deeply as he runs his fingers threw my hair waiting for me to continue. "I told him you were a good man, and that I had feelings for you, and he wasn't even a-angry he was just…resigned. I can't keep trying to love a man who doesn't want help Deeks but I feel so guilty that I left while he is sick…I feel like a horrible person"

"No no no no Kens, you're not a horrible person just because you chose your safety over a man, you wouldn't be you if you didn't. You shouldn't feel guilty for that and for him not taking the steps to get better and if I can be completely honest…" he sighs squeezing me closer to him. "He doesn't deserve you, he doesn't see what a strong, loving, loyal and beautiful woman he had waiting for him, so loyal in fact that you ignored your feelings for me and that…that makes me love you all the more Kensi. And if Jack can't see that then that is his loss, he lost one hell of a woman tonight."

I remain silent as he speaks, his words driving the cold from my bones and makes my previously shriveled and hurt heart swell with love, true, deep unbidden love…so different from the love between me and Jack.

"I know it makes me sound selfish Kens but I know how lucky I am to have you in my life, no matter the capacity. I know you are a one of a kind, I know what I have," he whispers.

"You love me?" it's not really a full blown question and it comes out raspy, the damage done to my throat taking affect.

"I do, I love you Kens, think I have for a while now." He says softly not needing anything in return. "Come one let's get you in some warm clothes." He pulls me up and leads me to his bedroom when he sits me on the edge of his bed. He pulls out an old t-shirt and a pair of sweats. "They might be a bit big but it's raining too hard to get your bag…."

"It's perfect Deeks thank you, for everything." I say and he nods before closing the door behind him.

I change quickly not wanting to be separated from him for too long, but in my rush I irritate all of my wounds in pulling my wet shirt over my head. I hiss in pain at the bruises and walk into the bathroom connected to his room. Flicking on the light I see the damage done to me tonight.

The bruises on my neck are hand shaped and a deep black and blue. There isn't so much a bruise as a deep cut on my cheekbone, hinting that he came very close to my eye with his violent swing. Turning around I see the line where I was thrown into the door jam. Shaking my head I slowly pull on Deeks' t-shirt and sweats.

Walking out of his bedroom I see him puttering around in his living room looking for something. "What are you looking for?" I ask, my voice rough, clearing my throat I learn that it is incredibly painful to do anything other than speak softly.

"I am looking…" he stands up straight from a textbook that was on the floor grinning triumphantly holding a piece of paper. "This."

"And what is that?" I ask sitting back down on the couch.

"This, this is an NCIS application for the LA field office. I have been monitoring their jobs listings and there is one in LA. So I picked this up for you." he sits on his coffee table in front of me holding the paper that could change my life forever between us. "I know this is what you want Kensi, fill it out…"

"What if I get transferred, just because it's for the LA field office doesn't mean I will stay in LA, I don't want to leave you…"

"Hey, if that happens, I only have another year, my grades are good, and I could get a transfer to another college if that happens…

"I can't ask you to do that Deeks, drop everything you have here just to follow me…."

"You're not asking me too Kens, I'm not sacrificing anything…well I would be sacrificing my beloved beach…" he smiles letting me know that he is joking. "Fill it out, you never know what might happen."

I grab the paper and stare at it, pondering his words, he is right this is what I want but am I ready for this? Can I risk my life on a daily basis? Well that's a stupid question, I was raised by a marine, hell until a few hours ago I was engaged to a Marine, this is what I was born and raised to do.

"Okay, I will fill it out in the morning and when these bruises don't look so bad I will drive down and hand them in." I look up at him and see a soft smile on his face. A smile that I never really saw on Jack's face, Jack's love for me was different…it was safe… but Deeks' love, it was bold and I wanted to be bold with him. I reach up and cup his stubbly cheek. "I want to say it Deeks, I feel it but…"

"I know Kens, I'm not asking you to say it before you're ready, and not when you just ended things with Jack, just so long as I can see it in your eyes." he places his hand over mine on his cheek as I lean forward and kiss him on the other cheek, my lips lingering longer than necessary. "And while these bruises heal I will get anything you need from your teachers so you don't fall behind."

"Thank you for everything Marty," his breath hitches at the sound of his first name. "I honestly believe that if you weren't in my life I would have stayed with Jack, you showed me that living like that wasn't okay. And I would have been either a Marine's wife, alone and scared, or even…" I falter. "Or even dead, a casualty of a flashback. So thank you, you saved me."

He moves to kiss my cheek as I did a moment ago before sitting next to me and flipping the channel to some random show that happened to be on at this late of an hour. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep I hear Deeks whisper in my ear. "By the way you have a beautiful voice, I didn't know you could sing."

"Mmm, m'by I will sing for you more often…" I feel sleep claim me but I mutter one final thought. "But only for you Marty."

 **A. Grayson**


End file.
